FOR FIRST TIME DADS

May all the deepest desires of your heart come to be...this month and all through the year.
Happy new month guys; Its still new abi?
Even if it's day three

So July!
Hmmm...
Until two years ago, July used to be ordinary to me, now July is a super special month, because my baby will be 2 by the end of the month! See how time flies!
You should see how much teeth I'm shining as I type this...lol

So speaking of babies, today I choose to share a 'poem'..I wrote when I was pregnant with my princess..
It's a poem cum letter;
I hope it gives you an insight as to where the 'chic' you married disappeared to.
Lol... Not to worry, she''ll be back, very soon.

TO FIRST TIME DADS

My love,
If you come back tonight
And Im not at the door to give you a hug;
Or I turn my back before I give you a kiss,
I haven't stopped being loving, I'm just full.
Or you walk into the kitchen
And the dishes are piled high in the sink, and you feel the dust on your sole as you walk barefoot
I haven't become dirty, it just feels like hell to stand for too long, or tears my head apart to bend

And then you come into our hallowed chambers, and the lights are off
And I'm snoring; dressed in your oversized boxers and tee shirt
Not one of the fancy nighties you got for our honeymoon
I haven't become sloppy, I've become changed
Albeit for a short while

So forgive me,
When affection is zero
Or the house hasn't been mopped for over a week
Or the dishes stay overnight in the kitchen sink
Or I'm more often in my birthday suit
Than in the sexy dress of a new wifey
Or I doze midway into a conversation
Or my temper is shorter than a fuse
It's just for a while
Something is happening within me, that even I do not understand,

So let's go through this together
I promise to always cook you a good meal,
Even if that's the only thing I do.

But promise not to remind me, that there are others like me;
Walking about under the midday sun, hawking their wares.
Don't ask if I'm better than she is
Cos' you know the answer,
I'm not.
Everyone goes through this in their own peculiar way

So until the trimesters are over
And there's an addition to our number
Forgive my shortcoming...
My life is changing; such that even I do not know ME

Image via https://unsplash.com

UNFIT

The court room was congested and noisy today; quite unlike the previous times.
Journalists, family members, church members, more church members . It was a real struggle getting in, even with the prison warders pushing and shoving.
I caught sight of some my colleagues; all junior, sitted close to Temi.
For the first time, I notice how professional and out of place, they must look here and  wonder if they had come in sympathy or to get first hand news..."Ms Poker face, got served".
That was what they called me, behind my back of course; I couldn't care less.
I remember when i had first told Temi of the title; he seemed to ponder a bit, and then said "It suits you", But when i didn't stop looking at him, he finally added "sometimes".

I finally make it in; not before hearing the sobs, screams and invectives...And the particular piercing voice that threatened to shatter my ear drums the moment i step down from the black maria.
I was wearing the hood today, Barr. Chidi had advised that I did before entering the court. He was right .
 The voice was Mummy damisi's...I could never mistake the tone. It was the same at Maami's funeral.

Baba had asked us to mourn like 'christians ', because the G.O was conducting the funeral service. But she had continued wailing until he bellowed at her "Morayo, will you be quiet! Will you! Or do you want to accompany maami?".
He had been appointed provincial pastor of THE SHERPERDS' LIGHT only recently, and it was the G.O 's first time in Mokola...our ancestral home in Ibadan. He was not one to attend social events, but Baba had earned his respect; so they said.

Mummy damisi had changed her tone immediately at the reprimand..."Boda mi agbaya ni yin,boda mi e ma je'm binu sinyin, agabaya ni yin", Other mourners held her close and cautioned Baba from using such language at his mothers funeral.

I was sitted with Bode, away from our other cousins; It was the year before he went abroad for college. We had chuckled at the way she switched tones, until mum had signalled us from the front pew.

Bode, who was somewhere in the courtroom...waiting in trepidation. He was the only one who knew; who truly understood.

Temi had tried and failed, and so he had settled with just loving me, to the chagrin of his family members; through it all. He wept yesterday, at the prison yard...holding my hand and telling me for the umpteenth time that he was going to appeal, if it went wrong. I had smiled in admiration at how much he had changed... Temi Martins, the dogged one.
And I knew in my heart that I picked a good time


And my baby brother ! Couldn't he understand? Was it so hard to comprehend; that I desired this, I wanted this.
The only thing that had kept me from ending it all was cowardice; as much as I hated to admit it, I just couldn't do this myself, not that i didnt try.
I needed help, and company too.
Babas', We both deserved it.

"All rise for the honourable Smith Irikefe.." shouted the court clerk as the pudgy judge was ushered in.
And the case was read..." (The State v.Folakemi Martins 2013)


Image via https://unsplash.com/photos

I apologize

Should that be a 'z' or a 's'?.... Please correct me if I'm wrong. I've been posting infrequently for the past weeks, and for that I apologi's'e , I haven't stopped writing. Just been looking for climate appropriate, family appropriate, economy appropriate, friend appropriate..or whatever 'appropriate' posts..
So I sincerely do apologize.

I called the blog my musings, because I didn't want to teach, preach or counsel...I wanted to share WHATEVER goes on in my head...Well, almost all.

So here goes my thoughts concerning yesterday's devotional reading.
I love devotionals, they give me different insights concerning bible passages that left to myself; make little or no meaning. So I have apps for different sites , i even follow a blog called ilovedevotionals by Wendy Van Eyck.

Yesterday's reading was from Ourdailybread.org...1Peter 3:7..."Shocking honesty", and this is what I shared in my journal...See, the app even comes with its personal journal, to jot as you read..lol

Here goes:

Title: My relationship affects my prayer life

I remember when I first saw this verse; I was excited. So God really cared this much about me?...It was one of the turbulent days , and I just couldn't wait to share it with dearest hb, Make me unhappy= pray in vain.lol, especially when you have a hubby that 'likes to skabbash'. I can't remember why, but I didn't share it then.

It came up again in today's devotional reading, My opportunity to rub it in Right? Wrong.
My tab was flat, and so we couldn't read the devotional at morning devotion. But as I went through today's reading later in the day and saw it. I promised myself to have US read it tonight. But that was not to be, as he binged on movies and slept dog tired, and I was writing. So we couldn't ; again.

As I go back to it before bed time, it struck me...that of recent , a lot of my focus at morning devotion was... what God was telling hubby, or someone else. And so I often lost, what HE was telling me.

So tonight, I resign from my self appointed position as post man /message deliverer and I pick up MY own post. I listen to what HE's telling me, and this is it...My relationships (with everyone) affects my prayer life.

"Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everyone..." Romans 12:18

Friday muse

À few months ago, I saw a quote on tv. It read; "Happiness is a fake, the gods employ it as a mask, each time they want to plunge us into grief" Femi Osofisan

I smiled instinctively, as those words struck a chord, deep within my soul. I'm presently going through one of those loveydovey tranquil moments in my marriage, You know one of those times when you''re deliriously happy, looking forward eagerly to dearest hb coming home .The serenity of just being in the #right place, with the ONE and the world#, And it feels like life could only get better.

Yes that! I was feeling that way, But as I bask in the moment, I recall one of the many lessons I learnt very early in this institution called Marriage; young as I was in it.

Lesson No 1: Those moments will come again. I mean the flip side of the 'happy' times, When you begin to feel like yours must be the most tempestuous life. Ironically, these feelings aren't caused by the same things all the time, so it's not something you magically wish away.

All I do at times like that is to constantly say to myself: THIS TOO WILL PASS.
So just as Mr. Femi Osofisan pointed out in the quote; those moments called happiness...especially the 'very deliriously , roller coaster, fun and laughter filled, exciting moments; I'm wary of them.
Because in between those moments; whenever I pause to reflect..
I'm like 'hmmmm...are you sure something isn't going to steal this away from me.


I often wonder if it's paranoia.
But, come to think of it, One thing Is certain in life : Challenges.
They are a part of our every day living, no matter how much we wish or pray them away.
We find them in our family life, careers, neighbourhood, marriages, business es and even in our religious lives we encounter different degree of challenges. Some are a walk over, others give way with a little push, while others are like mountains; towering over us...taking away our peace of mind, threatening to swallow us up.
And just as suddenly as it came, the storm passes and peace returns.

We heave a sigh of relief, say a prayer of thanks and throw ourselves back into the routine of daily living . We actually become stronger.

So i'll say this at the risk of sounding paranoid, I share Mr. Femis' line of thought.
But I deal with life this way: I pray. It's not so easy to pray when you are tossed about by life circumstances; But I try to.

I pray for JOY, The joy that is unchanged and untainted by the circumstances of life. The kind that keeps you calm even in the storm. Because I know, and you should know this too: Our lives are ordered by a higher power than ourselves; our names are written in the palm of the One who has the last say and He cannot, will never leave US to chance.
Our response may not be immediate, it may not be automatic...but We get the strength , the will power we never knew we possessed, to keep pushing until we get back to our 'happy' place again.

IN THE EYE OF A STORM 3

Chika listened in shock to the heated argument on the other end.
"Chii, who is it?" Her husband , Paul asked groggily,
"It's Ugo, but she isn't saying anything; maybe she mistakenly dialled my number, I'l hang up now." He was already snoring in response, As Chikas heartbeat increased , the thump thump of her heavy heart was the only sound, in the quiet room as she lay beside her sleeping husband.

"Chai...she said almost inaudilbly, Did Kene really tell Ugo", she thought as she broke out in hot sweat, despite the cool air from the air conditioning system in the room.

"I'm doomed, my marriage, my home, my relatonship". She moaned, as she tossed about on the king size bed , careful not to awaken her husband.
She cursed the day she had attended the party, she didnt want to go, but Ugo had pleaded, coaxed, threatened and even called Paul for permission. She was supposed to attend too; Kene had just opened another branch of his Lubricant business at Isale Eko; it had been tough to break into the market there and so he had organised the party to celebrate this small victory. But Tamar had come down with a fever at the last moment hence Ugos pleas . Plus she had another motive : a third pair of eye on a female client, with a knack for late night business calls and an over friendly attitude.

Chika was stil hesistant ; Not that she hated partying, far from it. But she had tried to avoid social gatherings for some time now. She loathed the small talk/gossips, and unsolicited family and conception advice that was usually rife in such situations. Everyone seemed to have a solution to infertility. And Paul was away; less partying ; less temptation.

But this was Kene; Ugos husband, and she was relatively unknown in his circles plus the only attraction she had ever felt for him was filial. Little did she know that a little alcohol, the cover of darkness and a horny body was the perfect recipe for disaster.
She felt terrible; they both did.
But they both agreed that some things were better left unsaid. And it remained so, Even after she saw the second faint line....
That was until aunty Ukay, had attended Paul's homecoming party, and left along with her commonsense.

It was the weekend after Paul returned home from his training at the Haskayne business School, Calgary; he had just completed his Global Energy Executive MBA and everyone had been around to celebrate. Chika was not in much  of a celebratory mood, It was barely a week since she found out she was expecting. She had been shocked to her marrow. Her cycle was ALWAYS on time, always...month after month ...right from adolescence...it was assuring while she was in school ; a constant reminder that once again 'she was safe' . Àfter her marriage, it haunted her....a dreadful reminder of her failure to conceive...month after month. Not even a failed pregnancy. The test result were also the same..they were both fine.
And now this...she was numb, surprised, then elated....the days after she looked at her body differently in the bathroom mirror..."So, finally, this stomach would carry a child". Nothing was going to steal this joy away from her, not even the knowledge that the baby wasn't her husband's.

That could be fixed...Paul was due back by the weekend...her conscience still haunted her , but she silenced it by admitting that she had done one wrong; adultery. She wasn't going to do another by committing murder. She vowed to take her secret with her to the grave...
Until, Paul's homecoming party and Aunty Ukay had made the snide comment about her weight and her inability to get pregnant. Chika was horrified, she was Paul's eldest sister and the Margaret Thatcher of the family....and so she had bitten a retort. Paul had worsened the injury, by telling her she meant no harm. And so it was the Obi's she had gone to the next day to unburden... And that was when she had blurted it out, in the short moment Ugo had gone to lay her sleeping baby.
"Now this!..I"'ll just deny him", I will! I'll tell everyone, he had come up with that because i scorned his drunken advances'


Ùgo sat across the room staring blankly at the matron...she had gone from shock, anger, betrayal, confusion...and now this emptiness. There were no words for how she felt, she had returned home, a fortnight ago...after their two month separation. They had managed to keep it within their immediate families.. Paul had pleaded so, especially after the 'blighted ovum' diagnosis at her 12 weeks scan . They had scheduled a D$C and Chika had pleaded for her to be present.. Ugo had gone; even if it was just to gloat. That was the first time, she had seen Chika after their fight.
But she was inconsolable from the loss and guilt; all attempt to pacify her had failed until Ugo came. She had gone down on her knees and cried, before she was wheeled into the theatre...while Ugo watched indifferently. She had forgiven a long time but she still could not forget. And so she kept her distance.


The congregation echoed the last verse of the hymn..
"I was once lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now, I see"
As the hymn ended , the preacher took the microphone and began the sermon
" That's the thing about grace, while we yet undeserving of His mercy. God showed us mercy, You may have been through the worst; you may still be going through a fire...tough financial situations, unemploment, childlessness, a betrayal, infertility, false accusations....name it.

Whatever it is, I repeat Whatever it is, You will pull through". The congregation thundered, "Amen"
"Listen to me, God gives His toughest battles, to His strongest soldiers, It may seem overwhelming, Let go and let God,
Pain ends"
Ugo sat stoically, as a tear escaped and rolled down her cheek...just one. The torrents had since seized its flow. That was it! It was over!
She looked over at Tamar, who was sitting sandwiched between her parents. She reached forth and extended a hand towards her husband, who was already on his knees. Kene looked over at his wife, and grabbed with both hands....."Thank you Jesus, thank you Lord"...they hugged tightly, oblivious of the clapping and singing around them.

Letter to a 'love gone'

Dearest,

We went to the park today; the same one you had always asked me to go to "wind down". I always had excuses: I was too busy, I wasn't a little child,it was too open.

But today, I went. With Uyi and Iniobong, I sat on the dusty side bench and watched her play...she was over the moon.
There were just a few kids there and i could see her jumping from place to place,mingling with the kids she had just met. Sometimes looking in my direction and waving.

She fell once, and my heart skipped a bitnbsp; But just like you said you were as a kid, she jumped right back up and continued. Her legs are stronger now, so she can run faster than i can ; sometimes; She tried to climb the swing herself...lol at twenty months. Who does that! She couldn't of course. Uyi had to help her up,and then he pushed her back and forth on the swing. I took my turn to push her too, And as she went higher,she screamed gleefully, And then I smiled.

That was my first. But today I did; I thought I wouldn't remember how to, I forgot how much I used to. I almost didn't believe that I did, but Uyi told me I did. And I believed because he caught that fleeting moment on camera.

And so, as we headed home tonight; with Ini sleeping soundly on my breast, drained out from too much play ; and quiet music filling the air from that radio station I told you I hated. (Yes! That same  we often argued about), he showed me the picture.
He didn't say anything; just handed me the phone (we've all become taciturn nowadays). Even 'talkathon' Mumsie seemed to have cooled it, can u believe that?
And as I stared at my image amidst the coming sunset, with ini in the background on the swing; I saw the first hint of life coming back to me.  
Darling, its been 248days now ( Yes! I'v been counting in days,this time),and I could swear that in that carefree , playful moment I. Saw. You.

Smiling down at us.Thank you my beloved; its hard but we're pushing through. Thanks cos' on those days when I  couldn't wake up to another day without you; I've felt your gentle hand on my spine,pushing me forward...each day; one step at a time.





A friend lost her hubby shortly after marriage; It was a painful period even for family and friends. I wrote this in empathy, i may never fully grasp what she went through during that period. But this is my attempt, at putting that emotional journey into words. Did you recently lose a loved one? Can words adequately express what you're going or went through? Please feel free to share your thoughts; My prayer is that you find the comfort you need.

IN THE EYE OF A STORM 2

I sincerely apologise for posting this later than i promised ; the last part will be posted next week.


Kene looked at his wife of two years, he could see worry etched on her face. But there was no going back, he couldn't tell if this was the cause of the recent travails in his business. He had sworn to keep it to himself, since Ivie was willing to pass it on as her husbands'. But this secret was threatening to swallow him from within. He wished he hadn't attended the party that night; he wished he had stopped at the first bottle, he wished his wife had come with him, he wished, he wished...but that was all in the past. The deed was done, he hoped that even if she couldn't forgive him now,she'd at least try...she was a good woman, She'd not give up on their marriage, no, not now.

He cleared his throat,..." Babe, Chika is pregnant",
Ugo was confused at first, "Which chika?, My Chika?, Sweetheart are you serious" she screamed in glee, clapping and laughing at the same time, momentarily forgetting it was past midnight, and that her husband was deathly quiet.

Chika was Ugo's best friend cum sister, theirs was  a childhood friendship that  sprung up from being neighbours and family friends. Even after Ivies civil servant dad got transferred to the oil city and her family moved, their friendship still grew into adulthood. As luck would have it, they got admitted into the same university, a year ahead of each other, they were inseparable. They had the same chocolatey skin tone , and were almost the same height that almost everyone believed they were sisters. But that was where the similarities ended, they were as different as night and day. Ugo was the 'nerd'; a very attractive one , while chika was much more outgoing; vivacious and bubbly; the life of the party ; Until she met Paul.
They were each others bridesmaids at  their weddings, a plan they made while still at Uni, not minding who got married firstly, pregnant or not. Chika married Paul two years before Ugo met Kene, but they had still been trying for kids, when Ugo took in and delivered Tamar her daughter, exactly ten months after their wedding. As was expected, Chika was Tamars' god mother at baptism. She was very excited, and took the role very seriously, as it afforded her the opportunity to play "mum". She even had the toddler over for weekends, whenever Ugo had to go outside town for interviews.
She was family, hence Ugos excitement at the news.

Amidst her rejoicing, Ugo paused to look at her husband who was still seated in the same
spot, with his head buried in his palms. Abruptly ending her happy dance, she turned to sit on the bed directly infront of him.

"Sweetie,what is it?" she asked, with a puzzled look on her face; as she peered to stare him in the eye, he raised his head.
 His eye was a little moist, or was it her imagination, Ivie thought, as she squinted to see clearly with the only glimpse of light coming from the UPs beeping in their bedroom. She stood up to switch the lights on.
"Wait babe, why...? How did you find you out before me? Did you run into her on your way back today...Chika and kene worked within the same industrial estate. So, he was the usual go between when they had a message to pass.

Kene sighed deeply and knelt to hold her  " Babe, i know because she said the baby's mine" he said solemnly. HOW! she screamed as realization hit her. "JEEESUus".
Kene was back on his feet holding her tightly as she hit, kicked, and clawed at him with her long manicured nails. He let her go,as pain exploded in his groin where she kicked him.
Falling to her knees, Ugo crouched holding her stomach tightly like she was in pain, in between her wailing, she picked up her phone..."I'm calling the b##ch", how could she?"
"Baby, wait, wait ,lemme explain"  came Kenes voice. She turned to face him, her face contorted in rage.... "Explain what, Explain what", " Baby, pls tune it down please. you"ll wake Tamar and all the neighbours.

" God punish you, Kenechukwu Obi, I said god punish you", Were you thinking of Tamar, when you went to look under Chikas skirt, abi you want to tell me how you were drunk and fell into her open cunt right, right"? She screamed.
" Baby I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," Kene broke down,as he held her close. They held each other as they sat on the cold tiled floor and wept., momentarily forgetting the call that was on speed dial.